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Kosher Spam - Funny Emails


In celebration of Passover, we hope you are not in too much of a hurry to let your spirits rise by enjoying the following Kosher Spam.

5 Passover Songs and 4 Jokes

Our Passover Things
(Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and Kiddish and Yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that cling
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.

 

Take Me Out To The Seder
(Sung to the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame")

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Feed me on matzah and chicken legs,
I don't care for the hard-boiled eggs.
And its root, root, root for Elijah
That he will soon reappear.
And let's hope, hope, hope that we'll meet
Once again next year!

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Read the Haggadah
Don't skip a word.
Please hold your talking,
We want to be heard.
So lets, root, root, root for the leader
For him to finish his spiel
‘Til then we’ll nosh, nosh, nosh and by-gosh
Please let's eat the meal!!!  

 

Elijah
(Sung to the tune of "Maria")

Elijah

I just saw the prophet Elijah.

And suddenly that name

Will never sound the same to me.

Elijah

He came to our seder

Elijah

He had his cup of wine,

But could not stay to dine

This year--

Elijah

For your message all Jews are waiting:

That the time's come for peace

and not hating--

Elijah

Next year we'll be waiting.

Elijah

 

 

 

The Plague Song

(Sung to the tune of "This Old Man” )

 

Then God sent,

Plague number one,

Nile to blood, not so fun

All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low

They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

 

Then God sent,

Plague number two,

Jumping frogs all over you.

All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low

They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

 

Then God sent,

Plague number three,

Swarms of gnats from head to knee.

All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low

They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

 

Then God sent,

Plague number four,

Filthy flies need we say more?

All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low

They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

 

Then God sent,

Plague number five,

All the livestock up and died.

All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low

They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

 

Then God sent,

Plague number six,

Boils and sores to make you sick

All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low.

They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

 

Then God sent,

Plague number seven,

Hail and lighting down from heaven.

All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low

They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

 

Then God sent,

Plague number eight,

Locust came and they sure ate.

All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low

They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

 

Then God sent,

Plague number nine,

Total darkness all the time.

All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low

They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

 

Then God sent,

Plague number ten,

Pharaoh's son died so he gave in.

All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low

Finally Pharaoh let them go.

 

 

The Seder Plate Song

(Sung to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" )

 

Shank bone on my Seder plate

Helps to make the Seder great

Charoset and some wine to sip

Don’t forget the greens to dip

Bitter herbs and egg, complete

Our Seder plate-- so now let’s eat!

 

 

 

All Other Knights

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin

when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However,

when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment

and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the

only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he

remembers from the Passover seder:

 

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

 

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers,

"Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

 

A Tall Tale

A little boy returned home from Hebrew school and his

father asked, "what did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of

Israel out of Egypt."

"How?" 

The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. 

Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran

towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers

build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side,

they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

 

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

 

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!"

 

 

The Four Questions of the Seder

Can we eat?

Do we eat now?

When do we eat?

Will we ever eat?

 

And Finally. . .

How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it.

 

 

Got some Kosher Spam to share? E-mail it to bkamgayle@aol.com

PAST Kosher Spam

 

 

Kosher Computers, Vut Else?

You can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made entirely in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low, even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

1) The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

2) You hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When spell-check finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."

6) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of all the "schmutz und drek."

7) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts you with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes "Schloffen."

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings and will not work again till Sunday.

10) It comes with two sets of hard drives; one for fleyshedik (business software)? and the other, for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC now gets "Ferklempt."

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play some music already!"

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with chicken soup.

15) When disconnecting external devices from the back of the PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

16) After your computer dies, you have to take it out and bury it within 24 hours.

17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM.

I'm waiting for the Kosher Tablets . . . . No! Vait! Vuesn’t they introduced a little over 5,000 years ago?
The only problem I found: The Mohel cuts the electric cord so short, it doesn’t reach the outlet anymore.

 

 

 

IF THESE MOTHERS HAD BEEN JEWISH. . .

 

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: 

“I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

 

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: 

“After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

 

MICHAELANGELO’S  MOTHER:

“Can’t you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

 

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER:

“All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”

 

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER:

“Again with the stovepipe hat?  Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER:

“But it’s your senior picture.  Can’t you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something??”

 

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER:

“The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

 

JONAH’S MOTHER: 

“That’s a nice story.  Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”

 

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER:

“Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb.  Now turn it off and get to bed.”

 

JOHN LENNON’S MOTHER:

“How many times do I have to tell you, it’s ‘yes’, not this ‘yeah, yeah, yeah.’”

 

LITTLE JACK HORNER’S MOTHER:

“There you go, playing with your food again. . .”

 

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER:

“America, Ashmerica, you still could have written!”

 

JEWISH HAIKU. . .

Of all the many forms of Jewish-Japanese poetry, the Jewish haiku is perhaps the most sublimely beautiful.  Consisting of just seventeen syllables, this little-known style of verse combines the simplicity and elegance of Asian art with the irritability and impatience of Jewish kvetching.  It’s brief, carefully wrought lines are designed to produce in the reader a “haiku moment”—a sudden intense realization, such as “So that’s it?”  Like the Japanese haiku, the Jewish haiku is typically an untitled work, consisting of three lines of five, seven, and five syllables, respectively.  It also has to include a kigo, or “season word,” hinting at the time of year.  For example, in traditional Japanese haiku, russet could suggest autumn, dragonfly could mean summer, while cherry blossom might connote spring.  Similarly, in Jewish haiku, sunblock could signify summer, extra sweater winter, and doing my taxes spring.

 

Following are excerpts from the book “Haikus For Jews” by David M. Bader:

 

Seven-foot Jews in

The NBA slam-dunking—

         My alarm clock rings

 

The sparkling blue sea

Beckons me to wait one hour

         After my sandwich

 

Like a bonsai tree,

Your terrible posture at

         My dinner table

 

SJF seeking

Eternal soul mate—must be

         A professional

 

Wet moss on the old

Stone path—flat on my back, I

         Ponder whom to sue

 

Hard to tell under

The lights—white yarmulke or

         Male-pattern baldness?

 

Heimlich. Is that a

Jewish name? I wonder, as

         A diner turns blue

 

Is one Nobel Prize

So much to ask from a child

         After all I’ve done?

 

After the warm rain,

The sweet scent of camellias.

         Did you wipe your feet?

 

A lovely nose ring--

Excuse me while I put my

         Head in the oven

 

Jewish voodoo tip--

Mention an acting career,

         Then watch for chest pain

 

How can I atone

For scalping my tickets to

         The High Holidays?

 

JEWISH CALENDAR

Jewish Calendar
For those who frequent Chinese restaurants (don't we all?), and see the placemats showing the Chinese zodiac (you know, the year of the rat, the year of the monkey, etc.) - here is the official Jewish equivalent. Now you can find out who you REALLY are.

The Year of:

CHICKEN SOUP
1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003

You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children - resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.

EGG CREAM
1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You've got a devious personality since you're made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you're too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.

CHOPPED LIVER
1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder "What am I, chopped liver?" But don't get a complex; you're always welcome at the holidays! Bagel's got your back.

BLINTZ
1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.

LATKE
1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the inside. Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you're a real dish. Compatible with Schmear's cousin Sour Cream.

BAGEL
1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You're pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox...Latke and Knish, not so much.

PICKLE
1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You're the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.

SCHMEAR
1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami - wouldn't be kosher.

PASTRAMI
1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice up life even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who's always by your side.

BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE
1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you're "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it "bipolar." Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself.

KNISH
1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance. Consider medical or law school, but don't get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your league.

LOX
1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.

 

JEWISH PROVERBS


The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. 

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
 

One old friend is better than two new ones.
 

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.


A wise man hears one word and understands two.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. 

Pessimism is a luxury that Jews can never allow themselves.
 

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. 

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving


Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.


You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
 

 

 

SHORT STORIES

It was David’s 5th birthday and he was joyfully opening all the presents he received.He saved the biggest for last, the present from his grandmother. “Wow!” David exclaimed with delight, upon seeing the mini drum set she had given him.“Thanks, Grandma! It’s just what I wanted!” Later that night after David went to bed, his father approached Grandma.“Ma, I’m surprised at you.Don’t you remember all the noise and how it used to drive you crazy when I played the drums in the house growing up?” Grandma smiled sweetly, looked at her son and said, “Remember? Of course I remember!”

 

Sam angrily looked at the text he had just received from his mom.It read: “Professor called to say you failed the course. LOL. Mom.” How could I have failed? And all my mom has to say is that she’s laughing out loud?!Fed up, he texted his mom back: “Mom, what’s up with the LOL?” Immediately she texted back. “Sweetheart, I just wanted to send you lots of love because I knew how disappointed you must be.”

 

An elderly man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.“I’m afraid it’s just old age,” replied the doctor after his examination.“There’s really nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be,” fumed his patient. “You don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I’m wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well, it’s quite obvious,” the man replied. “My other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

 

Mort was fast asleep in his bed at 3:00 AM when he heard an urgent knocking at the door. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he made his way to the door. “Can you give me a push?” asked the man at the door.” Jeff looked at the man and thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door and went back to bed. “Shame on you,” said his wife after hearing the story. “You remember on our vacation when our car got stuck in the middle of the night and how that nice man helped us and how thankful we were?” Feeling guilty, Mort trudged back out of bed, opened the door and called out, “OK, I’m here to give you a push.Where are you?” “I’m over here, in the back,” came the voice. On the swing.”

 

 

My Bubbe’s Talmud

 

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

 
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.


Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

 
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the Kiddush.


Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of Milk of Magnesia.

 
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

 
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.


Never take a front-row seat at a bris.


Prune danish is an acquired taste.


This year a cruise. Next year in Jerusalem.


Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.


According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

 
What business is a yenta in? Yours.

 
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.


Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.

 

These will make you smile....
MEAL TIME ON EL-AL
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What  are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

THE PARKING SPACE
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for
a parking place, and can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says:  "Lord, if you find me a
parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect   Shabbos, and
all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up
to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the  Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after
Chaim  Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide.
"It is named after Sam   Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.

CHANUKAH STAMPS
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps  for her Chanukah cards. She
says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey...my god, has it come to this?
Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"


THE CITIZENSHIP TEST
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.
He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then
asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:
"Last vinter  on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too 
cultivate, so I took the subvay  home."

THE MEZUZAHS
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills.
He brings  in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that 
he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs
and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door
except bathrooms and kitchens.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint or won't
put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees
that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so
pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're happy with
the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and
left them on the table for you!"

MOISHE
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the  congregation
departed.
The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these
Words at him:  "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned:  "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah
and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."

 

 

 The Jewish Diet

Latkes

A pancake-like structure, not to be confused with anything a first-class health restaurant would serve. In a latke, the oil remains inside the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes can be eaten with applesauce but COULD also be used to comb your hair, shine your shoes or lubricate your automobile. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees, they lit a latke by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is that you will have heartburn for the same amount of time. It tastes GREAT but will stop your heart if the grease gets cold.

Matzoh

Israel 's punishment for escaping slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made especially well, it could actually taste like a cardboard box recycled from the Tel Aviv city dump. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time--sometimes far too long--and you are advised to eat lots of prunes with it. If the prunes do not work, try castor oil, or even gun powder as a last resort before a surgeon has to mine it out.

Kasha Varnishkes

One of the little-known "delicacies" that is even more difficult to pronounce than it is to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bowtie noodles (not macaroni). Why bowties? Many sages in the Old Testament discussed this and agreed that an ancient Jewish mother must have decided, “Son, you can't come to the table without a tie or, G-d forbid, place your elbow on the table." If Mamma said 'bowties,' you better believe that's what the family used, even if they had to invent them on the spot.

Blintzes

Not to be confused with the German war machine's 'blintzkreig.' Can you imagine the Jerusalem Post in '39 with huge headlines announcing: 'Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes on Poland. Shortage of sour cream expected'? Basically, this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzettes. They are actually offered on the menu at the local International House of Pancakes, but no one there knows what they are. In ignorant bliss, they often serve them frozen from the blintz factory. No modern woman will take time to make them if she can find a grocery store selling frozen ones (assuming she can find someone in that store who knows where they are kept).

Kishke

You know from Scottish Haggis? Well, this it ain't. Remember what I say if you should go to the Highlands . You do not want to eat Haggis, no matter how much Scotch you've downed. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it to make kishke. Today we use parchment paper or plastic (made in China). And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and spices. The skill is not to cook it alone, but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it simmer for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left. The gravy can be purchased in bulk at any southern Bisquitville drive-thru.

Kreplach

They sound worse than they taste. There is a rabbinical debate on their origins. One Rabbi claims they began when a Chinese fortune cookie fell into the chicken soup. Another claims they started in an Italian restaurant, where the owner yelled at the chef, 'Disa pasta tastes like-a krep!' Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy, and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it. Tastes best if made in a Manhatten deli where they serve the soup by the barrel-load.

Cholent

This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. Precursor of Superglue. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher, of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican refried beans: 'What, they serve leftover cholent here too?" A Jewish American Princess once came up with something original for her guests (her first and probably last cooking attempt at the age of 25). She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back. The dogs ate the burgers but later threw up and had to be taken by ambulance to the pet emergency room.

Gefilte Fish

A few years ago, an Israeli politician had problems with the filter in his fish pond and a few of his fish got rather stuck and mangled. His son (5 years old at the time) looked at them and asked, "Is that why we call it 'ge-filtered fish?" Originally it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually is comprised of small fish balls eaten with horseradish (pronounced 'chrain' to rhyme with 'insane,' which you have to be to inflict it on your innards) and is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces. The VERY NAME OF THIS DISH FRIGHTENS FULLY GROWN AND SOPHISTICATED GENTILES and they actually run when it is merely mentioned.

 

POPPED CHICKEN

Here is a chicken recipe that includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing. It’s perfect for people like me who are just not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked but not dried out. Give this a try:

 

4-5 lb. chicken

1 cup melted butter

1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is best)

1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbachers low fat is good)

Salt and pepper

 

Pre-heat oven to 350degrees.

Brush chicken with melted butter, then add salt and pepper. Fill the cavity with the stuffing and the popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken’s ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.

 

 

How To Celebrate Thanksgivukkah

Have you heard about Thanksgivukkah? On November 28th, 2013, the first day of Hanukkah falls on the same day as Thanksgiving. This holiday won’t happen again for 70,000 years.   So celebrate to the max: Manischewitz-brined turkey, pecan pie rugelach, a cornucopia of gelt. . . and much more!

 

Visit this website for some ideas on celebrating Thanksgivukkah this year.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/christinebyrne/thanksgivukkah

 

 

The Consummate Comedian

 

Enjoy a daily dose of classic humor by visiting www.jerryseinfeld.com where Jerry Seinfeld alternates 3 short clips every day of his vintage stand-up comedy from talk shows and clubs. 

 

And remember, if you need anything I’m available 24/6

 

Take my jokes, please!

 

Henry (Henny) Youngman (1906-1998) was a stand-up comedian who was once dubbed The King of One-Liners.

Pushed by his parents to study the violin, Henny’s debut in show business was as a jazz bandleader for a group called the Swanee Syncopaters. Youngman would often tell jokes to the audience during his performances. One night, the regular comedian didn’t show, so Henny obliged the club owner by filling in. The rest, as they say, is comedy history.

Henny’s unique style was to stand on stage with a violin tucked under his arm. His bits were quick jokes and his comedy sets ran about 15 minutes. The audience would just about recover from one belly laugh when the next comedic assault would be delivered. He never uttered profanity, but some of the lines were borderline risqué during his heyday.

Youngman’s most famous line was “Take my wife, please.” Indeed, his wife, Sadie, was the unnamed butt of many of his jokes. In reality, Henny and wife Sadie (nee Cohen) were very close and enjoyed more than sixty years of marriage. Thirty for him, and thirty for her. Just kidding: they enjoyed—by all accounts—a long, wonderful union.

Henny was still performing until the very end, which came shortly before his 92nd birthday. He is buried in Glendale, New York, and his great lines live on.

Enjoy  ten of his many quick bits.

10. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

9. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

8. While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

7. Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

6. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

5. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

4. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

3. My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then  joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

2. She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

1. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

 

 

 

 

 

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